Live Q&A Round Up - Supporting Your Child's Emotional Resilience During Lockdown
On Friday 12th June 2020 we held our first Live online Q&A session via Zoom. The Q&A was open to everyone who completed our free online course: Supporting Your Child's Emotional Resilience During Covid-19 and provided a fitting conclusion to the hugely popular and well received course. Our course tutors Katie and Christine were on hand to answer any questions that attendees had, which led to some thought provoking discussions. Below we have rounded up a selection of the questions that were asked and the responses from Katie and Christine.
You can also download a free emotional resilience resource pack with lots of top tips and tools to help develop your children’s emotional resilience:
How can I prepare for my children returning to nursery or school?
It’s a tricky time for children, but it’s a tricky time for adults as well. Discuss with your child what to expect and when to expect it. Discuss what the school or nursery environment might be like. Also parents and carers need to bear in mind the impact this transition might have on your children and how it might cause them to dysregulate. So things like sleep and toilet training may be disrupted. If we think about the “behaviour iceberg”, you might see different behaviours in your children when they go back to school or nursery. It’s about making sure that your children are as aware as possible about what’s going on, and understand that we don’t have all the answers yet. It’s about being as prepared as we possibly can be. It’s also about keeping their confidence and self esteem up through all this. Things like the “accomplishment box” that we mentioned in the course will help to keep their esteem up. Also it’s about parents and carers keeping their positivity up, using positive language, trying to act as a positive role model and not display any of the anxiety that we know you may be feeling at this time. This will all help to build up your child’s emotional resilience and allow them to be better prepared for any other experiences that they may have once they are back in the school or nursery setting.
“It’s about making sure that your children are as aware as possible about what’s going on, and understand that we don’t have all the answers yet. It’s about being as prepared as we possibly can be”.
What advice would you give to anxious and stressed out parents?
The first thing I would say is: what are you doing for yourself? It’s absolutely imperative that you look after yourself. I know it’s really hard but take some time out, even if it’s only for 10 minutes a day to do something that you really enjoy doing. Have a bubble bath, light some candles, do something for you. Unless you look after yourself, you’re going to find it really difficult to look after other people and to be strong enough to cope with all the things that you are having to deal with at the moment. To try and keep calm, you could maybe have a look at the “calming wheel” and adapt that for you. Do you reflect on these things that keep you calm? Is it listening to music? Is it stepping outside for ten minutes to get some fresh air? Is it taking some deep breathing exercises? If we don’t do something to relieve tension, then it escalates. Try and have a quiet time every day just to sit and reflect and get back into that headspace where you need to be. If a situation is escalating, and it’s safe to do so, walk away. The main thing is that you build your strength to enable you to deal with all the things that you have to do at the moment. We are giving you permission to do that!
“Statistics show that many people are feeling stressed and anxious at this time. It is a natural response to the pandemic, so please don't beat yourself up about it. Many people are feeling the same, you are not alone in feeling this way”.
Statistics show that many people are feeling stressed and anxious at this time. It is a natural response to the pandemic, so please don't beat yourself up about it. Many people are feeling the same, you are not alone in feeling this way. Try to think about conditioning your response to your anxiety, because if you are anxious on a continual basis, that’s toxic stress and that’s not good for you physically or mentally. Try to think about your response, acknowledge the stress that you have, this is a stressful period and you're entitled to feel stressed. There are lots of things going on; however these are the strategies that I can use to overcome it. Just think about one day at time, try not to look too far into the future. Live in the moment, one day at a time, baby steps.
Can you recommend any resources that I can use to help support my child to stay calm and confident during this challenging time?
For younger children there is a book called “Little Meerkat's Big Panic” (by Jane Evans). It talks about the three parts of the brain by describing them as different animals. It is lovely as a bedtime story and it also has prompt questions at the end. For older children there is a book called “You Are Awesome” by Matthew Syed. It’s really good because it’s also a journal. When writing journals we often say to children that if you want to write in the journal and leave it out at the page that you want to discuss, we can talk about it. The “emoji sheet” resource as part of the course can also be used. Children may not want to talk about their day, but they can point to the emoji to let you know how they are feeling, so it’s a good starting point. If children are worrying a lot, there is also a book called “The Huge Bag of Worries” by Virginia Ironside, which is lovely. Also a way to increase your child’s confidence and self esteem is to know and talk about the things that they are really good at. The “strengths cards” in the resource pack are a great tool for establishing what those main strengths are. When talking to young people of any age, it's always good to find out what they really enjoy doing and what they are good at. They will enjoy doing more of what they are good at. The accomplishments box that we mentioned in the course handout is also a really good thing to implement and a great way to record all your child’s successes and look back at them over the course of the week. You will gradually be raising their self esteem and confidence by doing that.
“For younger children there is a book called “Little Meerkat's Big Panic” (by Jane Evans). It talks about the three parts of the brain by describing them as different animals. It is lovely as a bedtime story and it also has prompt questions at the end. For older children there is a book called “You Are Awesome” (by Matthew Syed). It’s really good because it’s also a journal”.
Do You have any advice for helping children with ADHD or other emotional difficulties in building their emotional resilience?
The resources that we’ve provided can be adapted for use with children with ADHD or other learning difficulties. Often children with ADHD have a shorter concentration and attention span. It’s all about taking things in small steps, doing things little and often and returning back to them. It’s about understanding when the right time is to us the resources, monitoring your child and knowing when the time is right. I would also stress the importance of active listening, taking the time out to really listen to what your child is saying and building up your relationship with them. It’s not a one size fits all, every child is unique, you know your child best, trust your instincts. It may be that your child needs more visual and practical activities to engage them.
I’m worried about the harm that this lockdown time is having on my children and any lasting effects that it may have - do you have any examples of how to speak to my children about the changes they are experiencing and how to help them cope?
Because we are still in the midst of the pandemic, it’s too early to make any assumptions, we can only forecast what we think the impact might be. Depending on the age of the child and the environment that they’ve been in - this might feel like the long 6 week holiday to them where they are nice and safe, at home with parents and carers. So I think it’s important not to anticipate the impact on them, but to talk to them about how they feel about the current situation, so that you’re getting a real flavour of what it is that they’ve been through and whether it has negatively impacted on them or not. It’s important not to predict the impact, as none of us know at the moment. It’s also about the nurturing side of things. I think as parents and carers we make assumptions that because we’re feeling anxious, that our children must be feeling anxious too. I think sometimes we don’t appreciate what a good job we’re doing in trying to keep things as “normal” as possible for our children. Many people will be doing more things as a family, playing more fun games and connecting more. At the end of the day, there may not be the detrimental effects that you're imagining due to all the good work that you are doing with them.
“So I think it’s important not to anticipate the impact on them, but to talk to them about how they feel about the current situation, so that you’re getting a real flavour of what it is that they’ve been through and whether it has negatively impacted on them or not”.
How can I speak to the other adults involved in my child’s life about the importance of building emotional resilience?
It is important that people sing from the same song sheet and use the same strategies so that the children don’t get mixed messages. Through sharing some of the resources from the course you can share the information and knowledge that you have gained. Using the same strategies, language and body language really need to be the same across the board. It’s all about that consistency of approach. It may mean having some difficult conversations with those adults who have an influence on your child but have a different approach. It’s important that they understand why emotional resilience is so important, it has the basis of creating that all important blueprint for the future. It’s also important to check the emotional resilience of all the adults involved as some of them might be struggling a bit too. So it’s about nurturing them too.
“It is important that people sing from the same song sheet and use the same strategies so that the children don’t get mixed messages”.
Do you have any specific advice for helping children with separated parents?
This really relates to the answer above. It really depends upon the type and frequency of contact that the child has with each parent. The most important thing is that there is consistency of messages right the way across. It’s important that parents are using the same language and sending the same messages. It’s really important that children don’t get mixed messages. So, whenever possible, having those conversations together and making sure that you also look after yourself and doing something for yourself. It’s important that as parents you take care of yourself and are able to stay strong. Also, if there is conflict, don’t beat yourself up about it. Have courage in your convictions and remain focused on how the boundaries and expectations will look in your household. Make sure that you control the things that you are able to control. Consistency is key, so try to make sure that in your household the consistency is there so that the child knows where they stand.
For further information about our Developing Emotional Resilience in Children and Young People course and to sign up to our waiting list, please click here.